Why I argue self-questionnaire
Why We Argue and How to Stop: Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions and Creating Healthier Relationships, Jerry Manney Copyright 2021, TCK Publishing.
Write the name of the person, their relationship to you, and what precisely you want to change. Communicating specifics is a great skill that will help you avoid arguments that start from misunderstandings. The more clarity you bring to this exercise, the sooner you’ll be able to change the patterns of behavior that keep you stuck in heated arguments.
1. If I take a disagreement personally, I am likely to infer that the other person not only thinks my opinion is wrong, but that I am wrong. I tend to do this with [name of the person and their relationship to you]. I would like to [insert your goal for improvement]
3. I thought if I disagreed with someone that one of us had to be right and the other had to be wrong. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. This can result in [outcome]. I would like to [insert your goal for improvement].
4. When I believe I’m right and the other person is wrong, I think I can change their mind, and so I’ll often [insert your pattern]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
5. By arguing, I can sometimes convince myself that my opinion is right. This often makes me feel [insert your comment]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
6. Sometimes arguing becomes a form of competition for me. I think, “They are not going to win this time,” and then I [insert your pattern]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
7. When I feel criticized or otherwise provoked, I fight back. Then, I [insert your pattern]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
8. Sometimes, I think that if I repeat myself enough times, say it differently, or say it louder, they will finally get it. This is more likely to happen with [name, relationship]. This usually results in [insert usual outcome]. I would like to [insert your goal].
9. Sometimes, when I lose my temper, I can become defensive and then [insert your pattern]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
10. When I feel hurt, I may feel like retaliating. Then I [insert your pattern]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
11. Sometimes, I like to argue. Later, I [insert your pattern]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
12. Sometimes, I will argue to prove a point. This usually results in [insert usual outcome]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
13. I blame others when something doesn’t go my way. Later I feel [insert your comment]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
14. Sometimes, I argue because I don’t know what else to do at that moment. Afterward, I feel [insert your comment]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
15. I sometimes shut down when confronted. This usually results in [insert usual outcome]. I tend to do this with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
16. I don’t know why I keep getting into certain arguments. This is more likely to happen with [name, relationship]. I would like to [insert your goal].
17. At times, I find myself thinking, “But if they would just listen to reason. . .” This usually happens with [name, relationship], and then [insert usual outcome]. I would like to [insert your goal].
18. At times, I find myself thinking, “But I know what is best for [name, relationship].” Later, [insert usual outcome]. I would like to [insert your goal].
19. At times, I find myself thinking that [name, relationship] wants me to change, but they are not willing to change, and we continue to butt heads! Then I feel [insert your comment]. I would like to [insert your goal].
20. An argument can also be a statement or opinion backed by rational, logical thought. This applies to me when [insert your comment]. When this happens, I feel [insert your comment].
21. Other examples of why I argue: [insert your comments and observations].
