Psychotherapists and self-help authors often encourage people to talk more to each other about their feelings and concerns. There are times, however, when it’s better not to continue talking, and instead call a “time-out” to prevent an escalation of anger, frustration, and hurt feelings, which can trigger and fuel heated arguments.
At a calm (or relatively calm) moment, discussing the seven guidelines for time-outs can put the brakes on heated arguments so you can slow down and regain your focus. When you find yourself in an argument and you’re not sure what to do, remember to “de-escalate before it’s too late.”
Seven Points About Time-Outs
- Anyone (spouse, partner, teenagers, children, adults, coworkers, etc.) can call a time-out if they feel that they are about to lose their temper or objectivity and perhaps say things they may later regret. Someone may also call a time-out if they think the other person is losing or is about to lose their temper.
- Clarify that calling a time-out is not disrespectful (provided you don’t overuse it), and that you will attempt to discuss the issue constructively within a reasonable time frame. A time-out is about respecting yourself and each other, and recognizing that when emotions begin to flare, taking time to regain your composure can help strengthen and nurture the relationship, whether it be with a family member, friend, or coworker.
- A brief statement such as, “Let’s talk about this later (or after lunch or tomorrow)” can help reassure the other person that you’re serious about resuming the discussion. However, when your emotions are escalating, any attempts to explain why you don’t want to continue talking will likely further the argument.
- When someone calls a time-out, the other person does not have to agree with the timing of the time-out.
- Once a time-out is called, the parties need to separate themselves physically in a manner that is as respectful as possible. This may seem awkward at first, but in my experience, most people find this separation very helpful.
- Any brief and respectful phrase can be used in place of the term “time-out” to communicate similar intentions. Ideally, try to agree on the words you’d like each other to use when talking about these guidelines. A “reasonable time” for a timeout is flexible; it could be minutes or hours, or perhaps a few days. As soon as everyone involved has been able to calm down and think more clearly, reconvene to discuss the situation.
- While there is no perfect time to plan or reschedule a discussion, there are times to avoid engaging in difficult discussions. You probably know when these are: immediately after waking up in the morning, within the first few minutes of a person arriving home, while one person is driving or engaged in a potentially mentally challenging activity, and shortly before mealtime or bedtime.
Frequently Asked Questions About Using Time-Outs
What do I do if the time-out has no effect?
It’s all too easy to get caught in the middle of an argument between family members, friends, acquaintances, and, depending on the topic, even strangers. Remember: the reason for walking away is to avoid engaging in or contributing to an argument that is heating up and becoming counterproductive, or even painful. The more people involved in a heated argument, the more heated it is likely to become. No matter how close or caring a couple, family, or friendship, each person is an individual and will figure things out at their own pace.
Someone needs to be the first to get off the “here we go again, not-so-merry-go-round” of heated, upsetting, hurtful, or counterproductive arguments. By focusing on what you can change—your response—instead of reacting to what you cannot change—how others act—you are taking two steps forward. First, you will get off the “not-so-merry-go-round” by choosing to no longer contribute to escalating arguments. Second, you’ll set a tangible example of constructive change.
During a time-out, the other person may text or call you. Let the call go to voicemail and then listen to it. Unless the call or text concerns an urgent matter, waiting until you have regained your composure before you reply can help prevent the argument from reigniting. If the person continues to text or call, you do not have to read every text or listen to every message. You can also choose to turn off your phone for a brief period. Remind yourself that the purpose of a time-out is to give yourself and the other person enough time to promote more constructive, respectful communication.
Do we both have to agree to the concept of a time-out?
It may take some time for the other person to realize the importance of using time-outs. When you discuss time-outs, focus on presenting them as an idea, rather than trying to make the other person agree to using them. If the other person agrees with you when you first present the information on using time-outs, that’s great. If not, allowing them time to think the concept over is a sign of respect, and demonstrates an improvement in your own communication style.
This can also be an opportunity to practice not going to every argument you’re invited to. If the other person persistently disagrees with the concept of time-outs, let them know you still plan to try it, and give just a few brief, constructive reasons for your decision. Say something like: “I know I can get off-topic when things get heated;” “I really want to improve our communication, and I think it would be better if we took a break and talked after we’ve both had a chance to cool off;” or, “I think it would be a good idea if we took a break and continued this conversation later. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can to arrange a time.”
What if the other person appears to be under the influence of a substance?
Trying to have a discussion with someone whose thinking and judgment are impaired by alcohol or drugs can be as frustrating as trying to talk to someone who speaks a different language. Even if the other person is not staggering or obviously high, alcohol and other mood-altering drugs can affect the brain’s limbic system, which controls emotions. Alcohol and other drugs can also affect parts of the brain that influence impulse control, decision-making, short-term memory, and other functions important in interpersonal communication.
Postpone the conversation to another time when the opportunity for clear, mutual communication may be more feasible. If the drinking or drug use may be causing or contributing to ongoing arguments or financial problems, health issues, injuries, legal problems, or other concerns, Chapter Ten in my book, Why We Argue and How to Stop: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions and Creating Healthier Relationships will clarify when and how to find professional help.
When Time-Outs Don’t Work
A time-out may backfire if there is any violence in the relationship. The perpetrator could interpret the pause as a threat, and more violence, such as pushing, shoving, or hitting may result. An aggressor may also make threats to harm you, your children, and/or someone else in the home. If there has been any incidence of grabbing, squeezing, choking, or any other action that causes you pain or fear, do not suggest a time-out. Seek confidential help for yourself.