We All Need Help Sometimes
You shouldn’t be expected to identify or assess every single one of your own emotional concerns, or those of your loved ones, any more than you would be expected to self-diagnose every health concern, such as diabetes or high blood pressure. This applies to professionals as well. I had assessed countless cases of ADHD in others long before I was able to acknowledge and accept it in myself.
No physician has the expertise, experience, and impartiality to treat all their own health concerns or those of their family members. From time to time, each of us needs and deserves some form of assistance.
As A.A. Milne has reminded us:
“Pooh, what’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked Piglet.
“Help,” said Pooh.
Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength.
When trying to find help for themselves or a loved one, many people impulsively do a quick internet search and begin calling agencies, only to find themselves overwhelmed and confused. The following can help you navigate through the many types of services in your area.
Contact Your Health Insurance Company
A more direct approach may be to contact your health insurance company. Be specific when you call. I recommend writing down your questions and thoughts beforehand.
Explain that you want the names and phone numbers of counseling agencies or individual counselors experienced in assessing and treating specific issues such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and/or counseling (specify for child, teen, couples, or family). If you are not specific about requesting a counselor experienced in these areas, you may be referred to an agency or individual who may or may not be sufficiently qualified or experienced to treat your main concerns. Your insurance company’s database will usually have more detailed and up-to-date information on counselors’ and psychologists’ areas of specialty than your paper directory.
Nevertheless, I have spoken with hundreds of people who followed these steps and attempted to contact several therapists and/or agencies, only to be told they were no longer providers for that particular insurance plan or did not provide that particular service. If this occurs, take a deep breath or even a short break, and try to remember you are still making progress by narrowing down your search. Many behavioral health agencies provide services for individuals and families who don’t have insurance. They can often assist you in obtaining medical insurance in your state (if you’re located in the USA).
You may also wish to ask your primary care doctor, pediatrician, clergy member, or other trusted professional if they know of a local agency or a particular counselor whom they know from experience and would feel comfortable referring you to. One of the best ways to find a therapist is to ask someone you know with similar concerns for the name of someone they found helpful (or not helpful, so you can avoid them). You may encounter a waiting list for one or more of the places or persons you are contacting. It is quite appropriate to get your name or loved one’s name on a waiting list of more than one agency or counselor in private practice. Then, with all things being equal, take the first available appointment and cancel your other appointments.
When seeking help, be prepared to advocate for your needs (or those of your child). If you do not think your questions or opinions are being heard, clearly state that to the professional, using positive and respectful language. The client-counselor and patient-physician relationships become considerably more productive when clients and family members believe they are being heard and understood, and when they understand what the professional is recommending.
Like many of my colleagues, I was trained early in my career to focus on how parents contributed to the illness or conditions of their child. Not surprisingly, I often found myself frustrated when dealing with parents. What I didn’t understand was that in those interactions, I was primarily focused on telling them of what I, “the professional,” thought they needed to learn and do to help their child. When parents didn’t act how I thought they should, or as quickly as I thought they should, it reinforced my misperceptions that they were being resistant, adding further to my frustration. I didn’t consider how the youth’s illness or other conditions also affected the parents, and I suspect my misguided approach unintentionally added to their distress.
Since reviewing the literature on how a child’s chronic illness or other serious condition affects their parents and listening to over one thousand parents of teenagers in inpatient and outpatient settings, my focus has humbly changed. I now ask myself, “How does the illness or condition affect the child and their family members, and what can I do to help and support each of them?”1 I have learned that when people express concerns to me about their loved ones, they are seldom overreacting. When they tell me they are struggling with a personal problem or that something is wrong with their loved one or friend, my response is now, “You have my attention. Together we can shed more light on what you are dealing with and explore options together.”2
Patients and clients of physicians and counselors are entitled to get a second opinion on any assessment or treatment options. I don’t recommend you rush to seek out another professional if your situation isn’t improving as fast as you want it to. (I can almost guarantee change will not happen fast enough.) However, you may want to consider seeking another opinion if you continue to feel that your current professional is not hearing you or taking you seriously, or if you continue to disagree with their assessment or recommendations.
41 Manney, Gerald J., “Partnering with Parents,” EAP Digest, Spring 2010.
42 Ibid.
Here are some helpful resources
Anxiety & Depression Association of America, Find a therapist by country link: https://members.adaa.org/search/custom.asp?id=4685 This site will “help you find local mental health services and resources that allow you to make an informed decision, including questions to ask yourself and for your child. Learn more about the different types of therapy available as well as the different types of mental health professionals.”
https://www.anxietycanada.com/ Free online resources and helpful programs.
https://chadd.org/, Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorders.
https://www.compassionatefriends.org/about/. “The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death, at any age and for any reason, of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.”
https://healthychildren.org/ from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Links to articles on healthy living, safety and prevention and family life from pre-natal to teen and young adult.
WWW.meetup.com, “make new friends, gather around the topics or hobbies you love, build your professional network or just have some fun.” Not a dating site.
Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, authors of No-Drama Discipline, remind us that“discipline” comes from the Latin word disciplina, which means teaching, learning, and giving instructions. They explain research on the developing brain and rethinking meltdowns as what your child can’t do at the moment instead of what they won’t do.
https://www.12step.com/12stepprograms. Links to more than 50, 12-step programs for substance abuse, anxiety, compulsive eating, and many others and support for family and friends.
Also search online for “National Association for…” add the name of illness or your concern.